The Equator
Ladies and gentlemen,
It is I, King Neptune; overseer of all oceans, lord of all lakes, prince of all ponds, and the ruler of all rivers. I am here today with my lovely wife Amphitrite and our beautiful daughter Aerial.
Earlier today I heard rumors of a vessel plying my ocean kingdom so I sent out one hundred of my fastest and most reliable spinner dolphins to investigate. My dolphins reported back that indeed there was a vessel named the National Geographic Endeavour headed for the equator with a gathering of assorted people aboard. Now I know this ship to be good and true for she has sailed these waters for years and years, but my dolphins further reported that some of the people looked as if they were POLLYWOGS, humans that have never before crossed the equator at sea.
At the request of your captain, Oliver Kruess, I have come aboard your ship to investigate for myself to see if this could possibly be true. To help me ascertain if indeed POLLYWOGS are among you, I have brought a band of pirates and buccaneers to help weed out those that must be cleansed of their transgressions before crossing the equator into northern waters from the SHELLBACKS who have crossed the line before.
Caramba! The rumors are true; there are several POLLYWOGS among you that are guilty of many crimes against my kingdom; crimes such as preparing and eating lobster, crab, tuna, and salmon. Some of you have taken Bonine or worn a silly patch behind your ears to counter the effects of pitch and roll from my ocean realm. Some have even turned their backs on sunrises, sunsets, and moonrises in order to watch movies or play cards in the air-conditioned comfort of the lounge. Now you must be cleansed of these sins of omission in my realm.
Kneel before me, King Neptune! I will command your sentence:
First you must kiss the feet of my lovely wife, Amphitrite. Next you must kiss (with enthusiasm) this raw fish. Barber! Prepare and cut the hair of these people convicted by me. Doctor! Please perform the cleansing of all transgressions with your injections and scalpel. Remove all unnecessary bodily parts so that these POLLYWOGS may cross the equator safely and surely into my northerly home. Finally all must be cleansed in seawater, so commend their bodies to the pool!
Captain Kruess, the ceremony is complete. Your ship now contains only SHELLBACKS and it is now right and proper for you to cross the equator into my northern realm. I welcome you into this hemisphere and promise to provide balmy tropical seas and light and fair winds for you to enjoy. Go forth into my kingdom and enjoy all that it has to offer!
Ladies and gentlemen,
It is I, King Neptune; overseer of all oceans, lord of all lakes, prince of all ponds, and the ruler of all rivers. I am here today with my lovely wife Amphitrite and our beautiful daughter Aerial.
Earlier today I heard rumors of a vessel plying my ocean kingdom so I sent out one hundred of my fastest and most reliable spinner dolphins to investigate. My dolphins reported back that indeed there was a vessel named the National Geographic Endeavour headed for the equator with a gathering of assorted people aboard. Now I know this ship to be good and true for she has sailed these waters for years and years, but my dolphins further reported that some of the people looked as if they were POLLYWOGS, humans that have never before crossed the equator at sea.
At the request of your captain, Oliver Kruess, I have come aboard your ship to investigate for myself to see if this could possibly be true. To help me ascertain if indeed POLLYWOGS are among you, I have brought a band of pirates and buccaneers to help weed out those that must be cleansed of their transgressions before crossing the equator into northern waters from the SHELLBACKS who have crossed the line before.
Caramba! The rumors are true; there are several POLLYWOGS among you that are guilty of many crimes against my kingdom; crimes such as preparing and eating lobster, crab, tuna, and salmon. Some of you have taken Bonine or worn a silly patch behind your ears to counter the effects of pitch and roll from my ocean realm. Some have even turned their backs on sunrises, sunsets, and moonrises in order to watch movies or play cards in the air-conditioned comfort of the lounge. Now you must be cleansed of these sins of omission in my realm.
Kneel before me, King Neptune! I will command your sentence:
First you must kiss the feet of my lovely wife, Amphitrite. Next you must kiss (with enthusiasm) this raw fish. Barber! Prepare and cut the hair of these people convicted by me. Doctor! Please perform the cleansing of all transgressions with your injections and scalpel. Remove all unnecessary bodily parts so that these POLLYWOGS may cross the equator safely and surely into my northerly home. Finally all must be cleansed in seawater, so commend their bodies to the pool!
Captain Kruess, the ceremony is complete. Your ship now contains only SHELLBACKS and it is now right and proper for you to cross the equator into my northern realm. I welcome you into this hemisphere and promise to provide balmy tropical seas and light and fair winds for you to enjoy. Go forth into my kingdom and enjoy all that it has to offer!
